what is joy?
for some reason, this question makes me
stumped.
like I have somehow misplaced this feeling.

is joy that feeling of flow?
those moments
where life moves so effortlessly.
no longer fighting against
a ferocious current,
instead letting it carry me
admiring the view around
free from expectations.

yet this joy
is so fleeting nowadays.
so wrapped up
in moments of uncertainty.

is joy those feelings of human connection?
those beautiful moments
where the world clicks into place
whilst we connect over
laughter, food, suffering,
joy.
where the world doesn’t feel so monstrous anymore.

yet,
connection nowadays is fleeting
our relationships held between four corners of a screen
cut between moments of
“I didn’t catch that” or
“I lost you, can you repeat that?”
this illusion of connection
only drives home this feeling of loss,
of false intimacy.

can joy then be found
on those long nature walks
getting lost in amongst the trees?
there’s something beautiful in wandering aimlessly
admiring the view
as my mind gets lost
daydreaming in a different reality.

whilst I do enjoy
the gentle strolls in nature
my heart yearns for adventure,
exploring galleries, museums, libraries
cafes.
oh, how I miss cafes!
sat musing over a coffee,
watching the world go by
a fly on a wall to other people’s lives
imagining their stories outside this point in time.

does this quest for joy,
instead of making me feel grateful for what I have,
leave me with a heavy heart?
yearning over a lost time,
a time I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to?

I sit here
in a room I consider home
wondering where the silver lining is.
where I can inject joy
into my own day.
today I make promises to go exploring,
maybe with some pens and paper
looking for new areas of inspiration.
perhaps I shall sit,
at an appropriate distance,
and observe others as they wander past.
for all I can do
is try and find the semblance of the old world
and hold onto those moments
where the world clicks into place
and I don’t feel so
uncertain.